Domo. :D

totally drained out today.

whole day packed.

since sch hols started,

its been so long since i felt so busy.

recently things have really not been going

on well at all.

maybe its cause everything is

cropping up at the same period.

like what people say:

祸不单行。

problems always come in a package.

never alone.

i tink a lot of things are affecting me

yesterday and today.

hence the mini emo session on the

train today.

i almost teared.

i could feel the tears come all the

way to the edge,

and i was struggling the whole

train trip.

not to cry again in a public location.

lucky in the end i held it in.

worse is so many things are going on,

i cant even pinpoint what exactly made

me so upset on the train.

grandad's eye check up,

and then the operation today,

and the mini squabbles from before

operation to after operation,

my cap, adding to me RAWR-ness,

the fact yesterday was 2212,

yes 2212,

and just a general 无奈感

but a lot of things.

i admit im disappointed with my cap.

missed my aim by a tiny bit.

but oh well.

cant help it.

just work harder next sem i guess.

2212.

everytime i see the shirt i made with elina,

i feel so upset,

but i cant bear to throw away the shirt.

i hope he didnt.

but i can only hope.

i dunno what elina did with her shirt.

but somehow,

the shirt has the ability to hide itself

somewhere in my cupboard i rarely see.

cause apparently,

after sept,

the shirt more or less disappeared,

and only appeared occasionally.

and i used to wear it all the time.

maybe its scared i might really

chuck it away.

after writing the xmas card today

i realised im not a person who can hide

things well.

maybe if im upset its diff to see.

but everything else is clear in the open.

cause i dunno how to keep things in one.

and even if i tried hard to not show it,

its quite obvious im not exactly

happy on the xmas card.

and i had a temptation to chuck away

the card on the way to the postbox.

but oh well.

i lazy to get another card so i figured just

send lor.

and the songs on my phone,

aka. mp3 player,

is not helping things at all.

esp yest and today.

hear alr.

i feel worse.

that day i walked pass suntec.

so long never go.

walked pass marvelous cream,

and the escalator.

the escalator where i cried,

where i pushed him away,

and the park near the esplanade

where we talked.

everytime i walk pass places like

these,

these images just keep flooding me.

till i leave the place.

its like somenever ending movie

reel that just never runs out until i

leave the particular location.

and sometimes as my parents shop,

its a bit impossible to go

"imgoingelsewherefindmelater"

and just do a disappearing act

there and then.

going pass simei is worse.

is like i can feel my heart being

wrenched out,

while the train passes simei mrt.

lucky i dont go there often.

i might just collapse one of these days.

when i saw my grade,

i wasnt really stunned.

kind of expected.

but i was hoping it wun be like that.

oh well.

what to do.

same as always since secondary school.

for some reason my humanities never

neeeded much of an effort,

and its always my sciences and maths,

i mugged damn hard and yet always get

the same grades.

not the first time anymore.

but i missed my aim by a 0.1.

yesh i know grades are NOT that important.

is learning the skills,

is picking up the knowledge,blahhdah blahhdah.

but still will feel @_@ one.

try harder next sem.

OH WELL.

T.T

editted one of the photos i took in genting

and i got... THISSSSSS...

TADAAAAAAAAAA.

haha. i like lomography pictures.

give you the retro feel.

like you'll always be in the same age,

like a small kid forever in the same era,

or like 小丸子, who never seems to be able to

grow pass primary school.

shouldnt have sms-ed today. shouldnt have known i will start to emo.

oh well. whats done's done.

whats worse is that he was being nice.

didnt not reply,

didnt say anything mean.

but i still felt like crying.

so stupid. sigh.

somehow when it comes to him,

tears are like free.

3 months has passed.

i feel much better,

but sometimes i feel that nothing much has changed

from 3 months ago.

sigh.

What Do I Do Lyrics (JiSun) BOF OST lyrics

kudaen nomu tang-yeonhan-deut
oneul naege anbu-reul munneyo
nan keu-jo jal jinaen-dahaet-jyo
kudaen cheongmal nal nomu mo-reu-jyo
kudae-obshi tto naega
kwaen-chanheul got kannayo
kudaeneun na obshi kwaenchanh-nayo
tangshin-omneun sesangi
nomudo him-deu-ro-seo
sumshwi-neun nareul wonmang-haet-jyeo

otteokhajyo
ajikdo nan
kudae hanmadiye
busojineun harureul sarayo
kudae naege mal haebwayo
ireo-neun-ge jakku oneunji
kudae tto nacheoreom haruga
apeugo tto apeunji
marhaebwayo kudaewa na

imi nomu nucheonnayo
uri tashi kihwe-neun eom-nayo
ajik kudael saeng-gakhaeyo
kudaen ama alchido moreujyo
kyeol-gugireon-gan-gayo
ireohke kkuchin-gayo
kudaeman idaero kwaen-chanh-nayo
nan andwel got kateunde
kudae-gateun sarangeul
chugodo naegen obseul tende

otteokhajyo
nae maeumeun
kudae animyeon nugudo
anajulsu opseultende
jebal nareul jabajweoyo
aljanhayo
tan hansaram amuri aesseodo
kudaereul ji-ulsuga optdan-geol
jebal nareul chabajweoyo

otteokhajyo
ajikdo nan
kudae hanmadiye
busojineun harureul sarayo
kudae naege mal haebwayo
ireo-neun-ge jakku oneunji
kudae tto nacheoreom haruga
apeugo tto apeunji
marhaebwayo kudaewa na

imi nomu nucheonnayo
uri tashi kihwe-neun eom-nayo
ajik kudael saeng-gakhaeyo
kudaen ama alchido moreujyo

English version:
You ask me how my day was as if it is same everyday
I say Im okay but you really dont know how I feel
Do you think Ill be okay without you?
Are you okay without me?
The world without you is so hard that I blame myself for still breathing

What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me

Are we too late?
Dow we not have a chance?
I still think about you and you might know this
Finally is it this?
Are we going to end like this? Is it okay with you?
I dont think I can do it.
The love I find with you, I wont find it anywhere even if I die

What should I do?
If it isnt you no one else can hold my heart
Please hold me.
And you know that even though the whole world tries to
No one can erase your memories.
So please hold me

What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me

Is it too late?
Do we not have a chance?
But me, I still think about you, and you might not know.

i want my jacket back.):

my baobei cedar jacket.

the last batch of dark blue jackets.

unlike the newer yellow urghhh jackets.

cedarrr jackettttttttttttt.

ohno.

what if its been thrown away? DX

sian.

just thought about it today.

i changed so much since secondary sch.

far so much.

essentially im still me.

still the same core.

but it seems like my shell has been shed.

and a new shell has grown.

i used to be so defensive.

setting up a wall against everyone.

didnt let my emotions cross that wall.

its generally kept within control.

even if im upset,

it seems as though im a person with

not much of an emotion.

and that changed,

i became more trusting.

became more vulnerable.

i dont know if its a good thing.

but that is besides the point.

good or not,

ive changed anyway.

i used to keep my problems to myself.

now i do share.

and the one time i felt the most hopeless.

the worse period i went thru in this year,

i didnt receive the help i asked for.

even though i was stubborn,

and i used to build a wall.

but i shed that wall.

to ask for help.

and i was denied that help.

i know it may not be your fault.

that u probably feel as helpless as

i did.

but i believed in you.

despite my reservations due to

my past experiences,

i believed in you,

more than one time,

even though i told myself not

to ever be so trusting to people.

i still fell for it.

and i believed,

even though no one else could help,

at least you could.

at least i believed in it.

and i got a reply of "i dont know how"

and somehow,

i never really recovered from that.

and now.

i feel like a coward.

hiding myself.

so i wun bug u.

so i wun try to meet you or see you.

so i wun try to call.

so i wun sms u things that i dont meant to

have said.

but said in a bout of uncontrolled temper

and spite.

and that has never happened before.

for one of the first time in my life.

im behaving strangely out of character,

since the start of this year.

never been so coward,

never been so timid,

never been so afraid of someone's opinion of me

before.

hiding myself in sch,

at home,

in my own shell,

preventing myself from going out of control.

somehow,

when it comes to you,

my emotions get out of control so easily,

by the time i realise,

my emotional swing is already over,

and i have already done things i didnt want

to in the first place.

and thats why im hiding.

i duno why i even blog all these,

cause you probably dont even read,

you dont even care anymore i guess.

its probably like im non existent.

maybe its just an emotional release.

so i wun blow up like some volcano due to

pent up emotions.

Its sad when people you know become

people you knew.

- kopped from jeanette's blog -

how someone can once be a stranger to you,

someone you never knew well,

and after 3 words,

become a large part of your life.

become a large source of your joy,

a large part of your memories,

a bond you never expected to be so strong.

and after another 3 words,

the bond breaks.

and its like 2 strangers again.

like you never knew each other,

after all the pain, laughter, joy, arguments,

its like your invisible.

or maybe non existent.

because it hurts so much you cant even talk properly.

(or maybe not.it might be cause someone

else came along the way.)

and all these,

makes everyone's lives both enjoyable, memorable,

but hurting, and unforgettable.

and yet everyone still hungers over love.

its amazing how 3 words can change your life so much.

its like a roller coaster ride.

just as you realise this is the peak,

that you cant be happier,

life throws a boulder at you,

and down you go.

all the way to the valley you fall.

and no one is there to catch you

when you fall.

i tink being too free is a hazard too.

gives me too much free time to think

about stuff i swept under the carpet and

hid there so i can concentrate on my finals.

and now its all back to haunt me.

when will these ever end.

will i be able to forget again?